This is my personal story on how I burned-out and got help. As mentioned in my previous blog, there’s 3 origins a burnouts can come from.
01 First signs of Mental breakdown
In my case, it was work-related.
Burned-out and the symptoms
It was early 2019, Spring to be exact, Covid was just a thing from overseas. I had been looking at my email list for what seemed like hours. It was pilling up, but no emails were being replied and my tasks listing was adding up. I felt numb. I felt like I was sleepwalking. I felt like I was on autopilot. As much as I wanted to put the effort in, effort wasn’t doing anything.
We all have the occasional day, where we’re just not into it. But this was going on for over a week, maybe more.
Everyday for a week!
Driving to work was difficult, I would often cry without knowing why. Listening to the radio was just annoying and I would turn it off. After work on my way home. It was worst! I would cry over not knowing what to do for supper on my arrival home. I take my showers before going to bed, and would cry in the shower too.
You would think those where my first clues. But no, I was in denial.
Then, my body followed. I had my menstruation more often and for much longer periods. I had terrible mood swings, worst than before. My boyfriend and daughter Can confirm that last sentence.
The weekends were no better; The groceries, laundry, cleaning. Whenever I had time to relax, it was never to relax. It was watching my boyfriend’s Netflix shows, or listening to my daughter gaming with her friends in the background. I wanted to disappear, runaway to nowhere, dig a whole and stay in it for a while.
I was missing some serious “me” time.
I was finally understanding women’s fantasy of being hospitalized and being taken care of.
How’s work?
I made myself an appointment at my Doc to see if I could get the pill in order to regular my periods and my mood swings. Clearly in denial of a burnout.
My doc ask me this simple yet the most vulnerable question. “How’s work?”
I started crying like a baby!
A series of blood tests to eliminate any other diagnostics, results showed my B12 was low. The next thing I know I was on Mental leave for 12 weeks.
Before stepping out of the doctor room exam, she said something to me I just couldn’t comprehend.
“Go home and Relax.”
Wait. What? Like. Do nothing?
Learn to relax
“A burnout?!
I can’t be on a burnout?
I’m strong.
I can do anything they throw at me…”
Denial
Normal daily chores became hard things to do.
- Wake-up and preparing my daughter for school, she turned out to be always late.
- Meals planning were terrible, I just couldn’t do it for some reason. Not knowing what to do with the hamburger were big mountains to climb!
- Cleaning the dishes was almost painful.
- Making sure I wasn’t’ late to pick my daughter at school was stressful.
“Relaxing” was impossible and I just couldn’t relax somehow.
I was in denial of a burnout for the first 4 weeks. I couldn’t’ understand how to relax and just let the dishes and the laundry pill-up.
Then came Summer
When you live on the East Coast of Canada, you can’t wait for Summer to come around the corner.
Everyone here loves the beach! But not me. I never enjoyed the beach. I dislike the Sun frying my skin, the oily feeling of sunscreen on your skin and the sand in my scalp at the end of the day.
It was a beautiful day in the end of June. I forced myself in taken the kids out to the beach. Dressed in a long sleeve top and 3/4 leggings, loaded the beach umbrella in the trunk of the car and we headed out.
As I lay under the shade, I closed my eyes and all I could here was the roaring sound of the waves on the shore line. Gulls fighting over chippies. Kids laughing and playing in the distance. The breeze caressing my ankles and face. It felt so nice!
I was finally relaxing!
The thought of having to make supper was gone. the thought of having to bring my daughter’s friend home was no longer a concern. I didn’t want to leave or wake up from this relaxing moment.
Make no mistake, I still dislike the beach.
This time it was different!
Getting back to normal
After many trips to the beach, we rented a cottage through AirBnB for two weeks, 5 minutes walking distance from the beach.
After those two wonderful weeks, I managed to finish my basement and made a two bedroom apartment for me and my daughter.
I loved every minute of it!
The only thing I didn’t’ do myself was the electrical and plumbing.
We now rent the upstairs and is financially self sufficient. Plus we live rent-free in our own place.
I ended up going back to work end of August.
That’s when I realized what caused my burnouts!
